DAY SIX

Wow....I started level two today.

I miss you already, level one....please come back.....

I was feeling confident over the past couple of days.  I was able to wake up in the morning and NOT have to avoid peeing as long as possible just so that I didn't have use my leg muscles to sit down on the toilet.  I have a feeling that I am going to be reminded of that sensation tomorrow.  I don't even want to talk about the fact that level three is coming in a week.  Tears will flow......

I kindof ping-ponged back and forth between Natalie and Anita today.  In some areas, I was able to stick with Natalie, but there were definitely moments where I was staring at Anita like she was a piece of chocolate cake (Mainly because she was doing the easier version of the exercise, but also because I really would like a piece of chocolate cake.  Argh.)

You know what I do like?  I like that I am more flexible than Jillian.  That woman is NOT flexible at all during the warm-down (and she admits it), so I like knowing that there is something that I can do better than she can.  Of course, I only admit this on my blog....many miles away from Miss Michaels....because I know that she could beat me until I was nothing but a twitching little stain on the floor.

I was proud of the fact that I worked out today.  My husband was home from work today, and he and my daughter went swimming in the back yard.  I actually stayed inside to work out.  That's dedication, people.....or sheer terror about having to be in a swimsuit in 23 days.

Speaking of swimsuit terrors, let me tell you about my experience yesterday.  My husband and I decided to go shopping for the Caribbean trip--new clothes and everything.  I don't know WHAT IN THE WORLD I was thinking, but I actually grabbed a two-piece to take into the dressing room with me.  Don't ask me why. 
For goodness sakes, I JUST took those "before" pictures FIVE DAYS AGO.  On what planet did I think that my body was going to be in a different state from then?  I'm so stupid sometimes.  I know that there is a very good chance that my days of the bikini are over, but I think that I got so excited about working out again....I was feeling really good and energized, etc....and I completely lost touch with reality.  I was finally at that point where I feeling really good about how I was looking in my clothes again (Trust me, it's been over four years since that has happened because I have pretty much either been pregnant or nursing), and I just got swept away in that excitement, I guess.  Needless to say, I put that suit on and lost it.  My eyes got all teary in the store....and then I cried the entire way home.  Ridiculous.  That was about the dumbest thing I've ever done--It was WAY too soon, and I know better.  Now it feels like I took about ten steps back in the ol' self esteem department.  I totally understand that there is a good reason to have the big change in my body--two kids in three years (and you saw on my first post how big my belly got each time) will do that to you.  But, no matter how logical and understandable that it is, it doesn't make it any easier to see staring back at you when your body--as you knew it--looked like a totally different person only five short years ago.  It still stings...even if it makes "sense" as to why the change has taken place.  Yes....I have two beautiful children, and I love them more fiercely than I ever thought possible.  I wouldn't change a thing.  This is not about that.  I know that I will never have my pre-baby figure back.  I don't have an unattainable goal here.  I simply want to remember what it feels like to feel good about how my body looks again.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that; I'm willing to fight for it, and--at the very least--know that I tried everything possible to get there.

Oh well....if anything, I am that much more committed NOT to drop a single day of this workout program. Even though level two is definitely a step up in difficulty, I just kept reminding myself of the reflection in that dressing room mirror.


Enough with my dramatic pity party.   On to day seven.  See you tomorrow.